Adriane, the Sequel to a Taxi Romance: Billy Delivers

I contacted Billy on his pager. Pagers were already old-school back then but Billy didn’t trust cell phones or landlines. By the time he called from a public phone my mind was made up. I’m not sure whether my mind had anything to do with it but just the thought of fixing awoke the hunger. Those vodka hangovers were getting worse and I needed something that could get me through the day. Letting go of resistance was a relief of sorts… Billy could fix that… besides, Billy delivers.

The hunger grew. That is what it does. It has a mind of its own and I am… my dreams… my hopes fade to black… black tar consumes what is left of them. It becomes what I am… a junkie. So many times I have gotten clean. Life began to look good again… the scars on my arms started to fade… but somehow that wasn’t good enough. There is this appetite that can’t be quenched. I often hear people say that all we need is a good job, some meaning and purpose to our lives… a love-life… a spiritual awakening… It doesn’t matter to me… even God can’t do enough for me to relieve this craving. What is that? Where does a junkie go from where I am at? I have tried it all. One rehab after another... one spiritual path after another to take away this craving…. What can I do but surrender to it.

I would just do muscle-pops from now on. I’m not putting tar into my veins. It isn’t as quick but it does the job and I don’t have to fumble around, probing for a vein that isn’t collapsed. I just put that spike in my butt and act as though I am just fine. No tracks to hide… no long sleeved shirts… No one can tell I am a junkie unless they get my pants off. Who is going to get that far with me unless they know already what I am about?

Billy and I talked about old times and eventually went to bed. After I was done I pushed him off. “You have to go now, Billy.”

“But Adriane, why?”

“Because I have other things to do.” I was looking at the tin foil opened up showing the gooey tar and that alone was on my mind. I just wanted to have sex before I hit-up and Billy was compliant. He left the house disappointed because I wouldn’t let him stay. It is always that way with sex. I just want the guy to go away no matter how close we had been.  After all, I’d paid for the shit with cash and not my body. I had sex with him for myself but I wanted to get on with the business of smack on my own.

Heroin comes to me at the cell level. It doesn’t talk to my brain… it talks to my body… relaxes the muscles… it hums through the blood stream… a gentle orgasm… “Here I am, dear one… you have been waiting so long for this… I am here.” And my body answers …. “Aaaah.”