Yes, I did, that is the one thing I never got enough of... will never get enough of.
Oh, I've been loved more than I deserve.
See, it is one thing to be loved but loving is better.
To hold her one more time.
To see Bonnie smile, overtaken by the ecstasy of love climaxing, body exploding in spasms, her joy in that one moment was, was bed sheets tangled, was moans... was laughter... was worth more than a mountain of gold.
Did I hear that, know that then?
I can't believe my luck.
Carolyn once complained that I was like a Koi swimming with the grace of the gods steeped in the murky waters all around wherever I swam ... she said I was the luckiest man in the world because somehow I always swam through & under it.
She had a right to be jealous. She gave the world Alanna, and when Alanna was born, so was unconditional love. I was once more luckier than the luckiest man in the world.
I don't know the how of why. There have been times when I believed I was cursed... that I somehow jinxed myself when she left with Alanna and the dogs.
She resented my luck and how I abused it. I suppose that is my greatest curse of all, to jinx my luck. I cursed her and when I cursed her the curse boomeranged... decapitating my soul.
I had to wander in the wilderness for more than a decade... when drinking hard, dancing hard, playing hard, and loving hard became the fulcrum of the curse that was the one unforgivable sin.
She called about seventeen years ago to ask me to lift the curse and forgive her. I was baffled because I had cursed myself when I cursed her.
Forgiving is easy but forgetting takes some necessary work. I said sure and gave my blessing.
Any of you Christians ever wonder what Jesus meant by the one unforgivable sin? I did and still do, but I think I know what it is now. Gamblers know what it is too. Never jinx your luck. I swear, I was damned lucky to survive that one.
That one unforgivable sin.
"Never curse your fiddle," the old-timers say.
I know how to do that too.
Loving Eliane began it all. We laughed with the gods and I embraced her suffering. Loving her lit the path. Unconditional love. The curse lifted, and then, and only then, did Bonnie clear the murky waters when we laughed with the gods while they laughed with us. Giving and receiving... intercourse is a word that means communication... a word for sexual congress too ... that's what they do... intercourse and laughing with the gods.
I know that the gods don't curse us. They have been my friends. We curse ourselves when we allow ourselves to jinx our luck by abusing it... when we think enough isn't enough, and in the throws of self pity we abuse our luck.
I almost did it again when Bonnie died bt I knew better this time.
The gods never cease loving us. We stop loving ourselves. We forget to laugh with them at calamity. Did I not know that calamity of the soul is a force weaker than gravity?
I can't afford o allow calamity to corner me. It's likely I don't have another decade to try my luck.
That would be the Unforgivable Sin.
